Some random Jokes

Shaadi hone par ladkiyan maang me sindoor kyon lagati hain?

socho?
kyonki is-se ladkon ko pata chal jata h ki iss ‘plot’ ka bhoomi pujan
ho chuka hai

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A girl went on a cruise_Captain tells her if u don’t sleep wid me I’ll
sink this ship
She ’sms’ her husband -2day I saved d lives of 1953 passengers, three times

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Y r girls better at catwalk than boys?
bcoz there is nothing between the legs to get SQUEEZED.:-)

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Two ladies were talking about their new milkman.
Lady-1: He’s gud luking, punctual & dresses so smartly.
Lady-2: And so quickly too!

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Lady 2 Banta Shopkeeper – vch Shampoo should I hv?
Banta – If U want 4 Ur Head, take Head & Shoulder, But if U want 4
Hair in d Panty, take Pantene..

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Husband – My frnd told me, he fucked EVERY woman in our building
except one.
Wife – it must be Aditi on 4th floor, she is very orthodox.

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Wen two womn hv sex, its fire.
Wen a grp of womn hv sex its camp fire.
Wen two men hv sex its dandiya.
Wen grp of men hv sex
guess? Its caled lathicharge..

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Desk-top is wot u do with d Secretary in d office;
Lap-top is wot u do with d galfriend in d room;
Palm-top is wen u r without them & alone!

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Wife : tumhari secretry ne sab k saamne kaha ki tumhari bulli choti he.
Is baat ki safai do.
Pati : sach to ye ha ki wo saali ka mooh bahut bada hai.

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Amitabh public toilet me se pura bhig k aata hai.
Jaya: aap to susu krne gye the?
Amitabh: jaise hi mai ander gya, koi bola”BIG B”aur sab meri taraf ghum gaye.

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Foran ek kaam karo,
Apni Pant utaro, Chaddi bhi utaro, G**nd par Petrol malo, aur Aag laga do,
Jo cheez Doston ke kaam na aaye, usey rakhne ka kya fayda.

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What will a lady conductor say as a matter of habit wen having sex ? -
“Chalo andar chalo.. aage bahut jaga hai..aage chalo..bahar latko mat.

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Madam ne sine pe gulab ka phool rakh k pucha gulab ko poshan kaha se milta he?
Student-doodh se
Mam-doodh nahi pani se
Student- Mam, hame kya pata dali itni lambi hogi

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C’mon, lets see how good your ENGLISH is.
Now…
a Beggar… Begs,
a Lover… luvs,
and
a Fakir…?
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..Fakes!

But I like d way u think

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Rape case- vakeel to girl
aap bata sakti hai aadmi kaun tha?
Girl-koi bahar ka tha.
Vk-kyo?
Girl-itna bada hamare mohalle me kisika nahi hai. ….

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MINISTER 2 WIFE:
Tum sach sach batao, kitni bar humse bewafai ki ho?
WIFE: kul 3 bar..
MINSTR: kab kab?
WIFE: Jab aapka heart operation hua tab Doctor ke pas gai..
Fir jab aap jail gaye tab judge ke paas gai..
Minister: Aur teesri baar?
Wife: Jab aapko sarkaar banaani thi aur 77 MLA kam pad rahe the

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GIRL: SUPPOSE MY LEFT CHEEK IS LUNCH AND RIGHT CHEEK IS DINNER, WHAT
WOULD U LIKE TO HAVE?
BOY: I WUD LIKE TO HAVE LOTS OF SNACKS BETWEEN LUNCH AND DINNER.

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Man 2 Dr-”Evry nite my wife goes 2 Tom’s bar & sleeps wth any1 who
asks her.”

Doctor: “Take a deep breath & calm down, and now tell me
where is TOM’S BAR.”

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Luv is nt measurd by hugs, kising & sex. Its al abt
trusting,respecting & acepting a person wth open legs,closd eyes,wet
lips & saying “push more”…

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A cop arrested a pros in hospital area & askd 4 her profession.
Pros: I’m a Social Engr.
Cop: Wot do u do?
Pros:I build & destroy erections!

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American aged 70 married 21yr old girl.
He had baby evry year & said tht his engine was turbo.
Whn 5th was born, Nurse said,”check engine oil, Baby is Black!”

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Conducter: Bachhe ka ticket lagega?
Lady: Abhi to ye meri nipple chusta hai.
Conducter: Nipple to Uska baap bhi chusta hoga, to kya woh bhi free me jayega.;-)

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Ek bar Sardar bahut hi Badsurat aur Kali Ladki ko Cho*d raha tha. .
Ladki : Mere Andar sab se Acchi Chij kon si hai ?
Sardar : Mera L**D

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Man 2 his wife after their 1st Night: U don’t make any noise like “Ah, Uh, Oh” during sex,why?
Wife-I stopped that habit whn i was 18!

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HEIGHT OF D0UBLE MEANING-
DAD went school to get son’s report card.

BUSY MADAM: Abi nahi

DAD: To phir kab aaun me?

MADAM: Mere periods khatam hone k baad

IGoogle Mesh Up!!!

Today I have some weird behavior of Igoogle widgets. All widgets are meshed up and my mail are displaying under “Word of the Day” , my book catalog displayed under ‘Google Calender’.

Is anything wrong with google??

IGoogle Mesh Up

It’s Raining Today!!

After long time it’s started raining in Ahmedabad. It was toooo  hot in Ahmedabad since last couple of months. Yesterday evening it started… While I was approaching to home, it started suddenly!!! I got completely wet by the time I reached home.

Today morning, still it’s raining!! Wow, what a amazing atmosphere.!!! I am feeling like playing following songs ….

Rimzim Gire Sawan – Manzil (Kishore Kumar)

Sun Sun Sun Barsaat ki Dhun Sun – Sir (Kumar Sanu)

Pehli Barish Mai Aur Tu – Phool Aur Kante (Kumar Sanu)

Sawan Barse Tarse Dil- Dahek (Hariharan and Sadhna Sargam)

Akhir Tumhe Ana Hai Zara Der Lagegi – Yalgaar (Udit Narayan)

Tip Tip Barsa Pani – Mohra (Udit Narayan and Sadhna Sargam)

Woh Kagaz Ki Kashti Woh Barish Ka Pani (Jagjeet Singh)

Hope today’s day will be Amazing!!!!!!

Happy Raining!!!!!

Nine words women use

1.)  Fine  : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

2.)  Five Minutes  : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing  : This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.

4.)  Go Ahead  : This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

5.)  Loud Sigh  : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.)  That’s Okay  : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman
can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.)  Thanks  : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say
you’re welcome.

8.)  Whatever : Is a women’s way of saying  F@!K  YOU!

9.)  Don’t worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s
wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to #3.Then you RUN!

Economic Realities in Today’s World

Some, rather most organizations reject his CV today because he has changed
jobs frequently (10 in 14 years). My friend, the ‘job hopper’ (referred
here as Mr. JH), does not mind it…. well he does not need to mind it at
all. Having worked full-time with 10 employer companies in just 14 years
gives Mr. JH the relaxing edge that most of the ‘company loyal’ employees
are struggling for today. Today, Mr. JH too is laid off like some other
14-15 year experienced guys – the difference being the latter have just
worked in 2-3 organizations in the same number of years. Here are the
excerpts of an interview with Mr. JH:

Q: Why have you changed 10 jobs in 14 years?
A: To get financially sound and stable before getting laid off the second
time.

Q: So you knew you would be laid off in the year 2009?
A: Well I was laid off first in the year 2002 due to the first global
economic slowdown. I had not got a full-time job before January 2003 when
the economy started looking up; so I had struggled for almost a year
without job and with compromises.

Q: Which number of job was that?
A: That was my third job.

Q: So from Jan 2003 to Jan 2009, in 6 years, you have changed 8 jobs to
make the count as 10 jobs in 14 years?
A: I had no other option. In my first 8 years of professional life, I had
worked only for 2 organizations thinking that jobs are deserved after lot
of hard work and one should stay with an employer company to justify the
saying ‘employer loyalty’. But I was an idiot.

Q: Why do you say so?
A: My salary in the first 8 years went up only marginally. I could not save
enough and also, I had thought that I had a ‘permanent’ job, so I need not
worry about ‘what will I do if I lose my job’. I could never imagine losing
a job because of economic slowdown and not because of my performance. That
was January 2002.

Q: Can you brief on what happened between January 2003 and 2009.
A: Well, I had learnt my lessons of being ‘company loyal’ and not ‘money
earning and saving loyal’. But then you can save enough only when you earn
enough. So I shifted my loyalty towards money making and saving – I changed
8 jobs in 6 years assuring all my interviewers about my stability.

Q: So you lied to your interviewers; you had already planned to change the
job for which you were being interviewed on a particular day?
A: Yes, you can change jobs only when the market is up and companies are
hiring. You tell me – can I get a job now because of the slowdown? No. So
one should change jobs for higher salaries only when the market is up
because that is the only time when companies hire and can afford the
expected salaries.

Q: What have you gained by doing such things?
A: That’s the question I was waiting for. In Jan 2003, I had a fixed salary
(without variables) of say Rs. X p.a. In January 2009, my salary was 8X. So
assuming my salary was Rs.3 lakh p.a. in Jan 2003, my last drawn salary in
Jan 2009 was Rs.24 lakh p.a. (without variable). I never bothered about
variable as I had no intention to stay for 1 year and go through the
appraisal process to wait for the company to give me a hike.

Q: So you decided on your own hike?
A: Yes, in 2003, I could see the slowdown coming again in future like it
had happened in 2001-02. Though I was not sure by when the next slowdown
would come, I was pretty sure I wanted a ‘debt-free’ life before being laid
off again. So I planned my hike targets on a yearly basis without waiting
for the year to complete.

Q: So are you debt-free now?
A: Yes, I earned so much by virtue of job changes for money and spent so
little that today I have a loan free 2 BR flat (1200 sq. feet) plus a loan
free big car without bothering about any EMIs. I am laid off too but I do
not complain at all. If I have laid off companies for money, it is OK if a
company lays me off because of lack of money.

Q: Who is complaining?
A: All those guys who are not getting a job to pay their EMIs off are
complaining. They had made fun of me saying I am a job hopper and do not
have any company loyalty. Now I ask them what they gained by their company
loyalty; they too are laid off like me and pass comments to me – why will
you bother about us, you are already debt-free. They were still in the
bracket of 12-14 lakh p.a. when they were laid off.

Q: What is your advice to professionals?
A: Like Narayan Murthy had said – love your job and not your company
because you never know when your company will stop loving you. In the same
lines, love yourself and your family needs more than the company’s needs.
Companies can keep coming and going; family will always remain the same.
Make money for yourself first and simultaneously make money for the
company, not the other way around.

Q: What is your biggest pain point with companies?
A: When a company does well, its CEO etc will address the entire company
saying, ‘well done guys, it is YOUR company, keep up the hard work, I am
with you.” But when the slowdown happens and the company does not do so
well, the same CEO etc will say, “It is MY company and to save the company,
I have to take tough decisions including asking people to go.” So think
about your financial stability first; when you get laid off, your kids will
complain to you and not your boss.

Rearranging the Letters

PRINCESS DIANA
When you rearrange the letters:
END IS A CAR SPIN

MONICA LEWINSKY
When you rearrange the letters:
NICE SILKY WOMAN

ASTRONOMER
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

THE EYES
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ELECTION RESULTS
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES – LET’S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S

A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Why I Fired My Secretary!!?

Janet my secretary is the best looking girl in office.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, ‘Good morning
boss. Happy Birthday.’

And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said ‘You
know, it’s such a beautiful day outside and it’s your birthday, let’s
go to lunch, just you and me.’

I said, ‘Oh yeah, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day.

Let’s go.’
We went to lunch. We didn’t go where we normally go; we went out to
the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed
lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, ‘You know, it’s such a beautiful day.

We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?’ I said, ‘No, I guess not.’

She said, ‘Let’s go to my apartment.’

After arriving at her apartment she said, ‘Boss, if you don’t mind, I
think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more
comfortable.’

‘Sure,’ I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying

a big birthday cake,

Followed by my Wife, Children, and Dozens of our Friends,

All singing Happy Birthday……

And there I sat…on the couch……….

Naked.!!!!!????????

The Indian Way!!!

An American, Japanese, and an Indian were sitting naked along the beach in GOA
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American
pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. The
others looked at him questioningly.

“That’s my pager,” he said, “I have a microchip under
the skin of my arm.”

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese lifted
his palm to his ear.
When he finished he explained, “That’s my mobile
phone. I have a microchip in my hand.

The Indian felt low-tech and inferior. He didn’t
know what to do to be as impressive as the American &
the Japanese. He decided to take a break in the
toilet. When he returned, he didn’t realize that there
was a piece of toilet paper got stuck and hanging from
his backside of the buttocks.

The others raised their eyebrows and said, “Wow!
What’s that?”

Instead of being embarrassed, inspiration
struck his mind.

The Indian explained, “I’m reciving a FAX.”

Inglish!!!

Inglish !

These four classified ads appeared in a local newspaper on four consecutive days. The last three are hopelessly trying to correct the first days’ errors.

MONDAY:

For sale: SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Phone 25550707 after 7 PM and ask for Mrs Mani who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAYs’:

Notice: We regret having erred in SK Shahs’ ad yesterday. It should have read “One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 25550707 and ask for Mrs Mani, who lives with him after 7 PM..”

WEDNESDAYs’ Notice:

SK Shah has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad…..

yesterday.. The ad. stands correct as follows: “For sale: SK Shah has A sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 25550707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mani who lives with him.”

THURSDAYs’ Notice:

I, SK Shah, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don’t call 25550707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs Mani. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!